Good Mothers

[Faerie]

I come across many weird people in my line of work - the blessings of working with people and their issues.

Had this woman yesterday discussing her sons (lack of) prospering, the lad is six years old and due to start grade 1 next year, he's not received any nursery school exposure and his mother is also vehemently denying the need for a grade 0 (Kindergarten) year as she believes he doesnt need it and worries about "bullying".

Analyzing the situation the following is immediately obvious:

1) His social development has been limited to his parents and grandparents (no siblings)
2) His mother has an overprotective personality - e.g. he's not allowed on jungle gym's or jumping castles as he migh get hurt
3) His father is (although THERE) not involved with the boy in the sense that he spends one-on-one time with him
4) He already has a backlog in educational benefits as most children learn the basics of reading and writing in grade 0.

His Mother has now enrolled him in musical classes to learn how to play the piano - he detests it and cries every time he needs to go.

Then she mentioned something that got my hair standing up on end. He's a leftie, and he's being forced to do everything right-handed as "the right hand is the right hand to use" :bang:

I was horrified, this poor child. Whilst his mother certainly loves him, she is doing him no amount of favours with her attitude towards his upbringing. I've had numerous discussions with her prior to yesterday and some truly horrifying stories have been related (she for instance, on an occassion when he had to have a hair cut and he threw a tantrum, marched him to a clothing store where she bought him a dress and some hairpins, and dressed him there and then in the dress, pinned his hair up and paraded him back to the hairdressers in this outfit) - she continuously tells me that she doesnt want a "weirdo" or socially unacceptable child, and I continuously tell her that she is creating just that with her way of dealing with the child. :bang:

Aside from the psycological abuse she's inflicting on the boy, she is a good mother in the sense that he is her priority and she loves and cares for him a great deal. She's not the sharpest pencil in the box, and I find it increasingly difficult to speak with her as she cannot and will not see the sense we try to instill into her. My frustration with her is at its limit and my heart sinks when I see her slithering into my offices. She comes to talk her heart out but never follows any of the advice/guidance offered. :bang:

[LoneWolf]

I so could not do that kind of work. You have my respect. I wouldn’t worry about the being behind academically part though. As an expectant father I have been doing a LOT of reading into child development and from what I have seen of the most current research, over the long run, there doesn’t seem to be an appreciable difference between young children who get a head start and those who start off a year or two behind in the early years.

Socially speaking? That may be a whole other ball game. But I only know what I have read in books and journals. The over protectiveness can certainly do some damage to the goal of being socially adjusted. I understand the desire to protect your kids from bullies but you can’t isolate them. Dealing with bullies is part of growing up. I’m not saying we shouldn’t take action against the bully when we hear about it, but we can’t hide our kids from them either.

And forcing him to be a righty? WTF? What year is this? I don’t personally think it will do him any psychological damage but she is certainly wasting hers and his time on a pointless endeavor.

But at least she is showing concern for him even if she is ignorant. I have no kind words for the father though. I have no sympathy or respect for a man who willingly forfeits his role in raising his kids.

[DMB]

Looking at it cynically, most people claim to have been screwed up by their parents. She's not doing herself any favours in the long run. He may murder her when he's older.

Mind you, the making him do piano may be necessary. He may be a child who refuses everything and giving in to him all the time could be the wrong thing to do.

[Free in Freeport]

School will be the best thing for him! Without her monitoring him during recess, he'll rough and tumble on the playground, navigate the social milieu, and quickly catch up academically. Music instruction is good for children. The making him dress like a girl..that's weird, but so long as she isn't sending him to school that way, no biggie.
I appreciate your concern, but children are more resilient than we give them credit for.

[Notta]

I had a 13-year-old boy who was forced to continue in the Boy Scouts and forced to join the football team (for which he had no interest and even less talent) by his father to 'man him up.' The dad was deathly afraid his son would turn out to be a 'sissy.'

The kid was gay. It was obvious even to the dad, who didn't want to admit that HE had fathered a 'queer.' He tried to kill himself twice before the age of 16. Luckily, he didn't succeed.

Way to go, dad.....

This mom sounds like she's deathly afraid of someone bearing her DNA being 'weird' or 'queer.' But putting him in a dress?? And making him go to the barber in a dress? That's abuse in my book.

[dancer_rnb]

They still have jungle gyms at school? Most of the "dangerous" equipment has been dona away with in the US.

How old is this kid? When I was little I wasn't taught to read until I had been 6 years old for a while, and that was standard at the time.

I did have more socializing that it sounds like this kid had.

[Valheru]

The bitch sounds like a grade-A idiot.

[willynilly]

Any more not having your child in a pre-k program is like making them run on their knees. I have been shocked about the emphasis put on children being able to "succeed" in Kindergarten. I have been given lists of things my son must do to graduate out. It's kinda sad that from age 3 to 6 they are drilled on what they must be able to do. Then more years on top then grad school. It seems like they have no childhood but at the same time you want your child to succeed.

My husband is a lefty and my son still switches hands. They told us to pick a hand and make him use it. We said no way.

[Faerie]

The bitch sounds like a grade-A idiot.

Nope, she's not a bitch nor is she an idiot. She's just extremely ignorant, she's one of the sweetest people I know (its almost nauseating). She's just not a bright girl, but that doesnt make her a bad person or an idiot. She's a victim in her own right, she's one of the unfortunates that has a husband that wont allow her to get a driver's licence because women are bad drivers. I feel deep sorrow for her and her little boy.

They still have jungle gyms at school? Most of the "dangerous" equipment has been dona away with in the US.

In our parks too (those that's still standing that is). The general attitude to kids getting into the normal scrapes and bruises is that its natural and necessary. We kiss it better and send them on their way again.

[Anne]

There must be something you can hand her that will open her eyes.

A book, a movie, something...

Sorry for everyone. But the boy can be saved...

[Cath B]

I'm sure most if not all folk here would regard forcing a left-handed child to use his right hand as highly misguided.

Yet sixty years ago this practice was not uncommon in some UK schools.

My mother-in-law is one example and I've wondered whether her "nerviness" might be connected to this.

The writer Alan Garner (http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2004/oct/16/fiction.alangarner) is another.

At infant school a teacher tried to "cure" his left-handedness by strapping his arm across his chest. "It was catastrophic. Instead of becoming ambidextrous like most left-handers do, I couldn't use either hand and it caused a severe speech impediment."

It was not, however, too catastrophic to prevent his becoming a renowned author!

My mother did not send us to Nursery School (most children went in our town) and socialising in my very happy early childhood was largely restricted to family, friends of my mother and local shop-keepers.

School came as something of a culture shock. I was puzzled by the silliness of my fellow five-year-olds but was aware that they mostly seemed to have something I lacked - the ability to gel effortlessly with one another.

So when I had my own children I took them along to toddler group, playgroup etc.

Yet my eldest was far, far shyer even than I was.

So, yes, this child's upbringing seems wrong in many ways. But he could turn out OK for all that.

[Free in Freeport]

Any more not having your child in a pre-k program is like making them run on their knees. I have been shocked about the emphasis put on children being able to "succeed" in Kindergarten. I have been given lists of things my son must do to graduate out. It's kinda sad that from age 3 to 6 they are drilled on what they must be able to do. Then more years on top then grad school. It seems like they have no childhood but at the same time you want your child to succeed.

My husband is a lefty and my son still switches hands. They told us to pick a hand and make him use it. We said no way.

Schools will have you think that. I was the lone fish swimming up stream in some of my districts. I was actually pressured (and refused) to declare children 'disabled' simply because they were not performing 2 years above what is typical for their developmental level...or to ignore that genuine delays were due to lack of exposure, rather than lack of ability.

I tell parents (ignoring the glare from building principals) that rather than signing their children up for "vision therapy" or occupational therapy, they should turn off the t.v., put their kids on bikes, play catch with them, organize games of tag, buy some Play-doh and sidewalk caulk. Skills developed through developmentally appropriate play will be much more functional than ones acquired in an artificial, clinical setting.

Now you know why I can't hold a job.

:(

[DMB]

In the early 20th century it was routine in English schools to force children to write with the right hand. This happened to my father (born 1913). I believe it happened to King George VI (the present Queen's father). He was born left-handed, forced to use his right hand and developed an atrocious stammer. When he unexpectedly became King, on the abdication of his elder brother, it was torture for him to have to make speeches.

[Cath B]

I tell parents (ignoring the glare from building principals) that rather than signing their children up for "vision therapy" or occupational therapy, they should turn off the t.v., put their kids on bikes, play catch with them, organize games of tag, buy some Play-doh and sidewalk caulk. Skills developed through developmentally appropriate play will be much more functional than ones acquired in an artificial, clinical setting.

:(

Absolutely!

(But I'll need to google "sidewalk caulk").

[Faerie]

Schools will have you think that. I was the lone fish swimming up stream in some of my districts. I was actually pressured (and refused) to declare children 'disabled' simply because they were not performing 2 years above what is typical for their developmental level...or to ignore that genuine delays were due to lack of exposure, rather than lack of ability.



Both my kids struggled immensely in Grade 1, even though they went to nursery school and pre-school, I didnt hesitate to keep them back for a year and had them enrolled in the aid-class in their primary school for that year, it benefited them greatly, they had one-on-one attention from the teacher and she managed to prepare them in such a manner that when they entered mainstream grade 3, they were a good six months ahead of their friends. If your kids are'nt emotionally ready, keep them back, they might be a year older than their peers when they graduate, but on the positive side, they got to be a kid for a year longer than their friends, now THAT to me is a bargain.

[DMB]

Schools will have you think that. I was the lone fish swimming up stream in some of my districts. I was actually pressured (and refused) to declare children 'disabled' simply because they were not performing 2 years above what is typical for their developmental level...or to ignore that genuine delays were due to lack of exposure, rather than lack of ability.



Both my kids struggled immensely in Grade 1, even though they went to nursery school and pre-school, I didnt hesitate to keep them back for a year and had them enrolled in the aid-class in their primary school for that year, it benefited them greatly, they had one-on-one attention from the teacher and she managed to prepare them in such a manner that when they entered mainstream grade 3, they were a good six months ahead of their friends. If your kids are'nt emotionally ready, keep them back, they might be a year older than their peers when they graduate, but on the positive side, they got to be a kid for a year longer than their friends, now THAT to me is a bargain.

I do very much agree. Throughout my school career I got two years ahead of my age group. I didn't feel it at school, but I don't think it was good for me to go early to university. My dyslexic/dyspractic son needed remedial lessons at school, but graduated from Oxford with a first.

[Cath B]

(But I'll need to google "sidewalk caulk").

Aha, sidewalk chalk.

I think we call it pavement art on this side of the Atlantic.