Reasons for dumping your partner

[Faerie]

Had a poor chap with me yesterday. He got himself dumped by a girl he rather liked last Sunday. He was seeing her for around a month or so, and things were going pretty well in his opinion. He's wholly confused why she dumped him as her reason seems to him.... well, unfounded.

His car went in for some repairs a week or so ago and she was quite willing to lend him her car for the week (which really means she liked him quite a bit in return too). He returned it in the same state she lent it to him on Sunday, aside from the fact that he didnt fill the tank up with gas (he got it full). She simply told him that since he's not considerate enough to return the car with the same amount of fuel that it was given to him, she's not all that interested in pursuing the relationship further.

Now, personally I get where the woman is coming from, they're both in their late 30's and she's probably had some truly inconsiderate sod in her life which made this incident an issue to her. On the other hand, I do understand this poor guy's confusion too, surely she could have insisted or just questioned him about the fuel and he'd have been happy to fill it up and be apologetic about it too.

What incidence would drive you to chase off a partner that would appear insignificant to others?

[DMB]

In my youth, I was hugely put off by any man who expected me to launder his clothes.

It's different when you're married. You probably have to put up with it then, though it may be possible to train them not to leave their dirty stuff on the floor for you to pick up.

But perhaps this is a period thing. Maybe men aren't like that any more. ???

ETA: I was also put off by adult men who took their clothes for washing to their mother.

[Valheru]

Mwahahaaaaaa! The guy had it coming. Good for her!

My personal checklist? Short and sweet.

1) Religion - The relationship wouldn't even get beyond the first date.
2) Poor general knowledge - The chick needs to be interesting and engaging.
3) Cosmopolitan Magazine - If she reads that shit regularly, she ain't for me.

[Faerie]

Mwahahaaaaaa! The guy had it coming. Good for her!

My personal checklist? Short and sweet.

1) Religion - The relationship wouldn't even get beyond the first date.
2) Poor general knowledge - The chick needs to be interesting and engaging.
3) Cosmopolitan Magazine - If she reads that shit regularly, she ain't for me.

Granted, this is your pre-checklist (we got a thread 'bout that), say you're already in a fairly established relationship and your partner does something you're opposed to, what would that something be?

[Valheru]

Religion is pre-checklist. Poor general knowledge - semi-pre-checklist. Cosmo only gets revealed afterwards, when it's too late! :eek:

[Puck]

Yeah, the gas thing would have probably done it for me, too. After only a month, and he's forgetting the cost of gas that easy? She ain't his mama.

I think for me, one of the biggies would be failing at a semi important favor. Say, picking me up at the air port or car repair shop an hour late would do it. Figuring out a tip to the penny would do it, too. I've learned to pay attention to those red flags at the start of a relationship. Not that I'll ever be in another one again. Too late, wise. ;)

[Matty]

She simply told him that since he's not considerate enough to return the car with the same amount of fuel that it was given to him, she's not all that interested in pursuing the relationship further.

Bull-shit. Thats an excuse.

If everything else was going well a 1/4 tank of gas would NOT be a deal breaker. She was going to bin him anyway IMO and that was the first or most convenient reason he gave her.


being religious, anti drugs or having awful music taste for me. Not that there would be much dumping going on becasue i wouldt have hooked up with them in the first place.

[Gaojie]

She simply told him that since he's not considerate enough to return the car with the same amount of fuel that it was given to him, she's not all that interested in pursuing the relationship further.

Bull-shit. Thats an excuse.

If everything else was going well a 1/4 tank of gas would NOT be a deal breaker. She was going to bin him anyway IMO and that was the first or most convenient reason he gave her.


being religious, anti drugs or having awful music taste for me. Not that there would be much dumping going on becasue i wouldt have hooked up with them in the first place.

Definitely! This was the first reason that came along and she jumped on it. Maybe she met someone else. It's either that or she figured out that she's not really into this guy.

Did they ever have the, "we are dating exclusively" talk? I'm doubting that ever happened.

[sohy]

I agree with Matty. The gas might have been the last straw but I think something else must have been brewing as well. Maybe he's just inconsiderate in general.

I have no idea what would be a deal breaker early in a relationship. I've been very happily putting up with one man's weird little anomalies for thirty years. Besides, he puts up with me so well, I can't fault him.

[DMB]

There's probably never a single reason, merely a last straw. You can bet that he had already irritated her before failing to refill the car.

[Anne]

studying.

I dumped a guy for studying.

In college.

(waiting for the 'whoa, what a cunt' comments...)

[premjan]

I dumped a girl to study. Not sure it was the right move. It was a long-distance thing and she was insecure. C'est la vie.

[dancer_rnb]

I agree with Matty. The gas might have been the last straw but I think something else must have been brewing as well. Maybe he's just inconsiderate in general.
.

Or she was a nutcase who had had bad experiences with someone else.

Once had a woman friend that I had plans to go out to dinner with hang up on me when I told here I had misjudged my mealtimes (I'd had a low sugar episode) and would probably only be eating a soup and salad. She knew I was a diabetic, and was a nurse herself, I had no idea exactly when we were going to eat, since she works night and sleeps until right before dinner, and I wasn't saying she wouldn't be able to get a full dinner. She then didn't talk to me for a few days.
All I can figure is somoone else must have missed dinner with her regularly before.

By the way, I've decided I can't eat out with people anymore. Generally too difficult with my diabetes. About all I can do is join people for snacks now.

[Matty]

'whoa, what a cunt'

nada :) :p:D

[Daydream]

If the woman really, really liked him she wouldn't have dumped him over a bit of fuel.

[dancer_rnb]

If for some chance she changes her mind, I hope he doesn't have anything to do with her. He should consider it a FLAKE alert.

[Goldie]

If I found out a man that I liked was very fearful of things, that would make me re-think things.
I am very outdoorsy and unafraid of new experiences. I could never handle being with a man who was less that way than me.

Ummmm...Did that last sentence make sense? ;)

[Sodong]

Well first of all I would never consider even asking to borrow the car of a person I'd been dating for only a month - a cup of sugar, a sweater, but not a car. Likewise, I wouldn't lend my car to someone I'd been dating for that short a time. You really don't know them well enough. Shoulda' called Hertz or something. My guess is that she probably didn't want to lend it in the first place and wasn't assertive enough to say no. Not saying no = resentment (her fault, of course) then when he returned it empty, it was a "last straw"

If I did borrow a car from somebody, I'd never consider returning it without filling the tank, whether it was full or not when I got it - a concrete "thank-you for letting me borrow your car". I would think it was very inconsiderate to do otherwise. I might not dump someone for doing that but I'd sure have a lot of alarm bells going off in my head and would be pretty sensitive to further such incidents...but then, it wouldn't have happened with me because I would have said no in the first place if I wasn't comfortable with it. What a cunt, huh? :)

[David B]

I tend to agree with those in the thread who suggest that the real reason for this case of dumping was not a lot to do with the car.

Sometimes people want to end a relationship, and look for an excuse, in my experience.

Sometimes people are not satisfied by the relationship, at some sort of level of brain processing, without it coming to the forefront of consciousness, and just pick on something that really annoys them, even if it is not a deal breaker in itself, but it is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Which is not quite the same thing as consciously looking for an excuse.

In either case, the guy concerned would be wise to just accept that it hasn't worked out, so tough.

A lesson it took me a long time to catch onto, at a lot of emotional cost, at some points in my relationship history.

David

[Goldie]

Well... no... I doubt very seriously that the car incident was why she called it off.

[Sodong]

As for things that would put me off a new person/date...

- bad personal hygiene (for obvious reasons)
- indications of poor self-esteem (also fairly obvious)
- lack of respect for others (he will eventually disrespect you too)
- bad-mouthing an ex or just talking too much about her (he's not done with her)
- asking to borrow money (acquaintences you borrow money from are called bankers)
- saying he's in love with me (it's chemistry (attraction), it's horniness, it's loneliness but it's not love after only a month)
- Ditto for asking to move in with me
- doesn't balance listening and talking well
- behavior that is incongruent with what he says about himself
- makes promises he doesn't keep
- is manipulative or hypercritical
- narrow-mindedness
- makes racist, sexist or just plain cruel jokes or remarks about me or anyone else
- aggressive or maniacal driving
- has expectations that are inappropriate to the length of time we've been dating
- any signs of passive aggression
- say, this list is getting long, isn't it? I'm sure there's more. :)

[hecaterin]

It's about self defense. Being on the lookout for early signs of disrespect and entitlement. If you've had a bad experience, you might be a bit over-cautious, and understandably so. The OP example does seem like it could possibly be such a case, but it's hard to say without more info.

[Anne]

We seem to have several topics here--- the 'what makes you not date someone' topic and the 'what shallow on the surface reason have you dumped someone' topic.


There's also the 'do you have a checklist of things to look out for in a new partner' topic.

In that vein, I read many many years ago about a couple who had each written a list of things they wanted in a new partner--- serious things, things they had been burned on in the past. They met, fell in love and married. Later, she rediscovered her list, and shared it with him. They joked about how useless their lists had been since they didn't actually use them...

until they realized the first night they met they each had gone over every thing on their lists without realizing it.

Useful things, lists...

[Free in Freeport]

I've actually had very little experience with breaking up. I was fairly young when I met my husband. Prior to that, most of my relationships had been casual fuckbuddies. The few actual 'boyfriends' I had all dumped me. I gave them plenty of reasons.

[Free in Freeport]

and for "if I knew then what I know now".

Buying useless and surplus crap would have been a deal breaker. Now its too late in the game.

[Christina]

I'm not going to split any posts off right now but if you'd like to talk about first date dealbreakers we have this thread (http://www.secularcafe.org/showthread.php?t=2331)about it in the Lounge.

[His Noodly Appendage]

I can't think of any trivialities I'd dump someone over. If it were dumpworthy, I wouldn't consider it trivial.

[Goldie]

If I found out a man that I liked was very fearful of things, that would make me re-think things.
I am very outdoorsy and unafraid of new experiences. I could never handle being with a man who was less that way than me.

Ummmm...Did that last sentence make sense? ;)

Per the OP... this would put me off a partner, but might be insignificant to others.
That is what she asked.

"What incidence would drive you to chase off a partner that would appear insignificant to others?"

[Anne]

I can't think of any trivialities I'd dump someone over. If it were dumpworthy, I wouldn't consider it trivial.

The op was asking for reasons that OTHER people would view as trivial, which are more like final straws to you.

[Garnet]

Something that may be trivial to others but is a deal breaker for me is finding out that someone is a YEC. I can't even maintain a decent friendship with someone once I find that out.

[Goldie]

Something that may be trivial to others but is a deal breaker for me is finding out that someone is a YEC. I can't even maintain a decent friendship with someone once I find that out.

Oh yea...or even just very religious would put me off.

[Christina]

I can't think of anything that most people would find trivial that I would dump someone that I considered a partner over. I do recall when I was younger doing that shitty thing in the early stages of a relationship of waiting for the first triviality to jump on to have a reason to dump someone. I think that I justified it to myself by deciding that it was less hurtful than telling the truth, which generally was that I thought I liked them until I started to get to know them better and then found out that I was wrong. I used to be so commitment-phobic that very few of my relationships made it to the point of being partners. It had to work for a lot longer than a month for me to start thinking that way.

[Octavia]

Triviality: talking too much. Seriously. If you can't keep your trap shut for an hour at a time, I don't want to know.

Obviously, this applies less in the beginning of a relationship when you're getting to know each other, but any signs of tendency to gabble and no, thank-you. Were I stuck in a relationship with that, eventually someone would get a cast iron pan to the back of the head, simply to shut them up.

Whatever happened to strong and silent, is what I want to know?